A Tsunami of Me-nessWeeks will go by for when there seems to be clarity and many moments of seeing that there is "nobody" here. Then suddenly out of nowhere there comes a tsunami of "me-ness" trying to assert itself..... In these moments it seems that I am completely identified with my “self” again. The clarity and peace and calm appear to have gone.
Weeks will go by for when there seems to be clarity and many moments of seeing that there is “nobody” here - just apparent experiencing of life - a feeling of lightness and ease. I seem to be in cruise control and life just hums along. To be more accurate – there’s not a lot of “control”… just “cruising”!
Then suddenly out of nowhere there comes a tsunami of “me-ness” trying to assert itself, with feelings of intense irritability at people around me - particularly if that “me” feels slighted, ignored, not taken seriously or manipulated in any way. What usually follows is that I see myself judging and behaving rudely to those closest to me. In these moments it seems that I am completely identified with my “self” again. The clarity and peace and calm appear to have gone.
This is mortifying because these are my most treasured and beloved friends.
Could you say something about this?
The fact that you see this tsunami of “me-ness” means that you are already, at least to a large extent, free of it. Likewise, the fact that you say “I see myself judging….” means that you already standing as the one who sees rather than the one who judges. It is important that the one that sees the judging doesn’t start judging what it sees, otherwise it ceases being a seer and becomes a judger. So see this tsunami of ‘me-ness’ like you see a tsunami on the TV – with interest but uninvolved.
The ‘I’ that is at the center of this tsunami wants one thing only – your involvement, either by indulging it or trying to get rid of it. That ‘I’ doesn’t really mind whether it is indulged or rejected – it thrives on the attention it receives in both cases. So be sure not to be involved with this separate ‘I’ - neither for nor against.
If you have said or done hurtful things to those nearest to you, simply apologize and let it go. In your heart you know that no one is responsible for doing or saying such things, nor is there an entity on the other side being hurt. However, it is usually not appropriate to say this to them. Just hold this understanding in your heart and apologise when necessary, learn from the lesson and move on, free of guilt, blame or judgment.
If it happens again, thank God in your heart for providing another opportunity for you to see these little remnants of the sense of separation, the old habits of thinking, feeling, acting and relating on behalf of a separate inside self, apologize again if necessary and move on.
Don’t see this as a failure. On the contrary, see it as an opportunity to deepen your understanding and, above all, as a way of really incorporating this understanding in your day to day life.
Above all no guilt, no blame, no judgment – that is just more of the separate self!