Seeking Is An Act Of LoveSeeking and practicing seem contrived. Any words of advice?
Hope you are well. I am a medical student in Connecticut who has been searching,often painfully, for maybe 8 years on and off. I had a few week period 3 years ago of what seemed like final realization but slowly disappeared as old habits of mind returned. As I write this email, I don’t really know what kind of question to ask. I’ve sort of just been looking for a teacher not so much for their words but for the way I feel when in their presence. I have met two that made me experience some strong energetic changes that made me trust in their sincerity. But I guess being a medical student with other social constraints, financial constraints (to sign up for retreats/fly to their location), and a forgetful mind it seems hard to continue my focus on the search and change location to be with a teacher for an extended period of time.
I have dabbled in meditation and yoga, both of which have been fruitful, but I guess sloth/discomfort keeps me from continuing with these pursuits. I am very strongly drawn towards nature as it can make me feel almost as strongly as a teacher can. I really don’t know what to ask.
I guess I want advice on what to do or where to go from here, but it doesn’t seem like you could really help with that. Maybe I just want to make contact.
I feel like everything I take part in including my personality is a lie and I out of habit, social forces and perhaps the fears of change, discomfort, silence and surrender, still continue to indulge myself and others. And every time I feel like I have a little space, a little clarity, a little cleanliness, this willingness to indulge allows my mind to easily take over and go to its old habits.
It seems that the first time around, several years ago, when I had the 3 week experience, it was all more spontaneous. I desperately wanted an answer from God, could not avoid the pain inside, and the answer simply came “You’re already there.” The seeking and practicing since then seems contrived, although perhaps that is just sloth speaking.
Any words of advice?
Thanks for your email and I apologise for delaying to reply.
It is quite common to have a spontaneous experience such as you had three years ago and for it to seem to disappear. Now you are being invited to find again the ever-present reality of experience out of your own interest and love.
So I would suggest simply following your interest in the nature of reality, wherever it takes you. Your desire to find it again is just as spontaneous as the previous experience you mention.
If you follow this interest and love it places you on a sort of track, as it were, where you will be given whatever you need…a book, a meeting, a teacher, a friend…whatever. All that is necessary from your side is your genuine interest and love.
Simply follow that and say ‘Yes’ to whatever it leads you.
If you believe that all seeking is contrived you deny yourself one of the main possibilities open to you….investigating and exploring your true nature. Seeking is not contrived. It is an act of love. Believing that seeking is contrived, is itself contrived.