Welcoming Uncomfortable Feelings 2I had an "awakening" about two years ago, fueled by kundalini...I have yet to see any non-dual teacher discuss kundalini.
I enjoyed your response to Claudia very much. It dovetails my experience. But I also resonate with Chuckee’s response.
I had an “awakening” about two years ago, fueled by kundalini. It happened after about four months of the energy activating. I do have to mention here that the kundalini was a complete surprise to me. Prior to it, I had only heard reference to it in some writings. It was not something I was actively “trying” to do. In fact, I’d stopped all my spiritual seeking 17 years prior to this.
The effects of the original “awakening” lasted several months. During this time life played out in front of me as if on a stage. Synchronicity abounded. I felt like an “empty egg” - but I realize that there was still an “I” in that mix. But for lack of a better term it was magical. Apparently however, since my mind had no idea what was happening, it was working overtime, fear arose and eventually brought me back to “normal”.
Since then the kundalini energy continues and I can only describe it now as “walking through hell”. It peels layer after layer of the onion that I know as “me” causing both emotion and physical pain. I understand it’s purpose, but like Chuckee, I wonder if this is “it”. I too am experiencing life as “unhappy and sad” since then. I try to stay positive - that things will improve and awareness will arise again, but I obviously can’t be certain. I get moments of extreme clarity, but they’re fleeting in the face of the pain that’s arising.
I have yet to see any non-dual teacher discuss kundalini. In fact, outside the Hindu tradition it’s rarely mentioned at all. I have to wonder if it’s not a good “poster child” for the spiritual marketplace. But I have to imagine someone else here in the group is dealing with this. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this (if you have some - I know this may not be in your experience).
I also would be interested in hearing your thoughts on your quote below in more depth.
“However, it is important to be sure that there is no agenda with them, that we are not welcoming them in order to get rid of them. The feelings you describe thrive on this kind of subtle agenda.” Am I correct in assuming you’re referring to surrendering to these emotions, rather than trying to eradicate them?
Much love and thanks for your time with this group,
Thank you for your response and for sharing your experience.
As the tensions in the body and mind, which have arisen as a result of our belief and feeling that we are separate and limited entities, are released, unusual experiences in both realms may occur. These are side effects which some people are susceptible to, others not.
If we become fascinated with them (and I am certainly not suggesting that you are) then we simply re-identify ourselves with a slightly subtler body and mind than was previously the case. In this case the unhappiness that is inherent in identifying ourselves with anything less than unlimited Presence will inevitably occur.
The reason the non-dual teaching tends not to refer to such experiences is because it deals with the essential nature of all experiences, irrespective of their particular characteristics. It points clearly to the fact that there is no subjective entity that experiences and no object, such as an independent world or other, that is experienced. There is only experiencing and the nature of that experiencing is Consciousness/Being.
So from the point of view of non-duality (if it can be said to have a point of view) the unusual experiences you mention are no more or less significant than any other.
That is the theory, which leads to the more practical aspect of your question:
Laurel: (quoting Rupert) “However, it is important to be sure that there is no agenda with them (uncomfortable feelings), that we are not welcoming them in order to get rid of them. The feelings you describe thrive on this kind of subtle agenda.” Am I correct in assuming you’re referring to surrendering to these emotions, rather than trying to eradicate them?
Rupert: I am certainly not referring to eradicating these emotions, and not even really to surrendering them. I am referring to taking one’s stand as Awareness and, as such, seeing clearly that all thoughts, bodily sensations and perceptions of the world, appear in you and are made out of you.
You say, “I try to stay positive…. awareness will arise again, but I obviously can’t be certain…”
Awareness is ever-present. Everything arises in it but it doesn’t arise. It is present right here seeing and understanding these words. We are certain of the presence of Awareness.
Nothing special needs to be done to any individual appearance to see clearly that it appears in our Awareness or Presence. If we find ourselves having any kind of agenda, either for or against such appearances, it usually betrays the presence of an imagined entity who is resisting the current situation. I say ‘usually’ because there is a natural intelligence in the body and the mind, which is not derived from the presence of an imaginary entity, that deals appropriately with all circumstances, including moving towards or away from certain things or situations. For instance to withdraw one’s hand from fire or to eat when hungry are not responses that come from the belief or feeling of being a separate entity.
Another way of describing this clear seeing could be to say that we simply allow all things to arise and abide as they are within our Self. However, because of our tendency to project things outside of our Self, this ‘clear seeing’ is sometimes formulated in a more positive or active way such as the suggestion to welcome all things within us. Such a suggestion is an antidote to our tendency to project the world outside and to reject uncomfortable feelings. In reality we don’t have to welcome anything within our Self, because everything is already within our Self. When this is clear, we simply allow things to be as they are, within our Self, as our Self.
If we welcome our uncomfortable feelings with a subtle agenda of getting rid of them, we are not really allowing or welcoming. We have washed a veneer of allowing or welcoming over our deeper desire to get rid of them. This rejection always conceals a separate entity, and the unhappiness that attends such an entity is inevitable. In other words, to reject uncomfortable feelings is, by definition, to perpetuate them.
Once we have seen clearly that these uncomfortable feelings revolve around a non-existent entity, they loose their power to make us suffer. Once this has become clear we become indifferent towards them and can simply allow them to take their place within us.
To take our stand as Awareness doesn’t take time, but to allow these feelings to be revealed as innocuous bodily sensations takes love, courage and patience.
So, if we think we are a person, getting rid of uncomfortable feelings is inevitable. Once that apparent person has, as it were, turned round towards its source, surrendering these feeling to their source is what the apparent person can to do. Once it has become clear that we are not a person, that we are present Awareness, we lovingly and dispassionately allow all things to appear and unfold within our Self without any agenda for or against, at the same time taking whatever practical steps are required by the situation for the normal functioning of the body and mind.
Rejecting, then noticing, then surrendering, then welcoming, then allowing and then simply Being…..these are the apparent stages that some apparent people go through on the way from identifying themselves as an entity to taking their stand knowingly as Presence, in which and out of which all things are made.
If we take our stand in this way, in due course, all these untoward manifestations will cease to visit us. They are eventually drowned in our loving, open, allowing Presence.
Keep the company of anyone and anything who reinforces this experiential understanding in you. The presence of such a friend or object is the presence of love itself and love is its own way back to itself.